Through your late teen years and into your early twenties, you are in three boats, too busy to focus on dating, dating on accident and looking for love. 

However you find yourself in a relationship, define what it is early.

Are you exclusive? If you are exclusive, is it leading to marriage? If it is not leading to marriage, take extra precaution to not have a kid.

I recommend not having kids until after marriage. I also recommend not having sex or cohabitating until two people are married.

If you don’t fit this mold, I am not judging, I hope your relationships are meaningful and bring value to your life.

I also hope that if you do have a kid with someone you do not love or are not married to, you have the opportunity to be in that kid's life. 

They need you.

When you do decide to marry someone follow the 4Sx4A rule. S= Season, A= Align

Discuss politics early, if you find out that you love someone that voted for the other party, it gets weird when you both get older and both of you are set in your ways. 

When it comes to religion, there are plenty to choose from. Being in the same religion from the start is a good way to not diverge later. Multi-religious families provide confusion and have a tough time mixing religious traditions. One partner will eventually feel excluded when it doesn’t go their way. Having a common religious background is a good starting point but still discuss the doctrine of it to see if they believe what you believe. 

Kids is not a topic to start off a relationship with. Either by having one by "mistake" or asking how many they want to have. Keep this on the back burner until you are closer to a marriage commitment. 

Money as a topic is tough for a lot of people. In our family units, money is a taboo topic. If you are going to marry someone, make sure they are willing to share the financial management of the family before you get into a situation where either, they spend money and forget to tell you or they believe it is not your place to have anything to do with the finances.

Align politically - there is no way two people are going to agree on 100% of the issues of politics. You are going to talk about them. Do you want to agree on 20% or 80% (hint to the dads, 80% is less disagreements)

Align religiously - this does not mean you have to be the same religion but understand each others point of views and mesh those together. Do your kids go to church with Mom or Dad? Do they have a choice? How will you teach them? If both parents are of a different religion, which one does is the child reared in. If there is no religion by one partner, are they comfortable with religion by the other. 

Align on kids - Do you even want kids? Does your partner? How many? This ties back to finances. How many can you afford? How are they going to be raised? Agree on discipline. Agree on Santa.

Align Financially - both partners should be involved in the finances. Do not hide money from your spouse. Do not hide debt from your spouse. Do not hide past obligations. Budget and save. Save on purpose or you will not save. Emergency Savings! Types of savings. Short term and long term. An emergency will happen.

Got to communicate, got communicate, got to communicate...got to communicate. I am not talking about telling your partner what you are going to do. I am talking about starting out with, "Hey, what do you think about...[this]."

The more communication, the less confusion and the less disagreements. 

Your new spouse needs support. Your spouse of 20 years needs support. Support in keeping the house clean, making meals, taking care of the kids, making decisions, vising extended family (it's only a couple of hours). A good support system develops early. Learn to rely on each other. 

When I say this, I am referencing two kinds of commitment. Commitment to your spouse and commitment to your kids.

"Until death do you part," in most cases in America and the majority of countries around the world. Some religions believe in forever. Some religions don't believe in anything.

Whatever the religious belief. You are committing to be with this person for a long time. In sickness and in health, etc. 

I get it, people change. That is why you and your new spouse need to change together. If you are aligned 80% in the above table, I believe, you have a chance to make it. As you grow old and read and hear new things, communicate your thoughts and be vocal with your spouse. 

When I was a kid, my dad left and I didn't see him for three years. After that I saw him twice a year. 

He had some kids from a previous marriage that I never met but reached out recently to me, thinking I was their uncle. I corrected them that I was indeed their half-brother. 

My dad left that relationship when the oldest was three. They expressed their disgust for my father. I share some of the same sentiment. I did not feel important enough for him to visit or be with me. 

This is still a hard topic for me. We live fairly close to each other now and I visit him regularly but I never really felt like we connected or are connected.  

There are a few situation where the father or mother or both should never be involved in a child's life again. These are sad and terrible situations. 

My only lens on this topic is being the kid and I didn't understand the complete situation and can't get the facts of it today.

If you and your spouse are divorced, make the effort for the kids. Don't keep them wondering if you are going to be there. Be upfront and communicate what you can do with them. 

Recently, I worked with a colleague that went through a divorce. This person said the hardest part was being in the same town as their kids and not being able to see them. 

This guts me. If you are experiencing separation or divorce. Think about the kids. They really do need you. They need a friend, a sounding board, a parent; someone to help them when they are down, someone to protect them and rely on. If it isn't you, they will find somebody.

Love is complicated. I am not ragging on dads that have been divorced, I am not ragging on moms that have been divorced. These sad stories are common in our society and working through the process for a good fit early is a good start to a long relationship. This isn't fool proof but I firmly believe that if you are aligned on the 4Sx4A matrix at least 80%, you and your spouse have a great chance to succeeding. 

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Love to Your Child