Being a Dad Today
Have you ever felt alone? Inadequate? Like you are not enough? Can't give enough? Don't' have enough to give? Even if you did, are you even giving the right stuff?
I feel alone today. I am not alone, I have my family with me. My wife and kids are in the next room. I just read my daughter a story and kissed all my kids good night. I snuggled with my son for a good twenty minutes. But still, I feel alone.
As my son and I were laying on his bed talking, I explained to him that my dad was not around when I was a kid, he had left by the time I was his age (he's five). I sat there and explained to my son that I don't know how to be a dad. Being a dad and not knowing how to be a dad, the irony.
To say I am alone in that adventure is unfathomable. I have met other dads that have similar situations but unique to them.
There was not a good example of a dad in my home growing up. I met other dads at church or teachers at school but they were just good examples that someone else got to live with. I am assuming they were good, to this day most of them have stayed out of a troubled path.
"There was not a good example of a dad in my home growing up...Since I really have no idea what that should be, I get to make up what that is."
No One Was Being a Dad When I was a Kid
So, I sit here reflecting on not having a dad in my life growing up and how sad that is. There is a big flip side to this. Since I really have no idea what that should be, I get to make up what that is.
The bad examples are always there, as an option. Is that what I want?
Drug addict, alcoholic, abusive - physically, verbally, sexually, emotionally - abandoning, inability to connect, neglect or angry. Maybe even a combination of some of these.
None of those sound appealing and growing up, I hated every one of the people in my life that were those things. Most of which are dead or close to it now.
So, I choose every day to be none of those things. Sure some days I can get angry. Not to the point of blows. I have made a conscience effort to put my phone on the night side table and BE with my kids and wife after work.
We didn't replace the TV when my son hit it with a baseball about two years ago. Best decision ever.
I am going to be a Dad today, everyday!
How Do I Be a Dad Today
"...[A] guy that I work with...is going in for open heart surgery..., An emergency can shift a lifelong path back to the most important things in life."
For me, that has been a lot of things.
Eating at the table and having conversations about their day.
Playing board games and card games that interest them.
Allowing them to express what is bothering them and listening to them when they are talking.
When I get asked to play, I do it.
I am making this sound like the only thing I do is what they want, which isn't true. I like to build things in the garage out of wood. Some other things that I have enjoyed is going to the movie theater to watch an action packed movie with friends. Even just going for a hike before anyone else gets up in the morning. And I do commute about 40 minutes each way so I have a lot of time for thinking.
My wife is also a blogger so we have a lot of conversations around that and what the next topic is. And we go out on the town regularly to keep the spark lit.
The Importance of Being a Dad Today
Your kids will never have another dad that is their biological dad. There are plenty of dads that do well as a step dad. I have met some and read plenty of blogs of step dads that are doing awesome at filling in. I am just saying, wouldn’t it be cool if your kids had you? If they had you to talk to, to rely on, to trust, to WANT to spend time with.
I have heard from a lot of dads of teenagers that say their biggest regrets are the loss of relationship with their kids. This is usually followed with stories of regret when their kids were younger and their main focus was excelling at work instead of at home.
Let’s flip this mentality around. I recently wrote a blog post about a guy that I work with that is going in for open heart surgery. He’s worked for the company for 20 years or so, a hard worker, willing to come early and stay late. Show up on the weekends. Then he found out about his need for surgery. He was in the office and asked who he needed to talk to about assigning his beneficiary for his life insurance policy.
There are things that change a person. An emergency can shift a lifelong path back to the most important things in life.
We Get Comfortable
We don’t want to interrupt the progress of the company so we just take more on and perform to show that we are team players. Whose team are we on?
I am choosing to be on my family's team. Yep, I still go to work everyday and punch that clock and bring home some money so we have a place to live and food to eat and go on a trip every now and again. I stopped working 60-80 hours a week, that isn’t fair to anyone, not even my company.
I become a disgruntled employee at that point hating what I am doing because I am not getting support, grumpy and unsettled at home always thinking about what I should be doing at work, negative because I am "too busy" for my family. Screw that...the payment for working overtime at home is far more rewarding!!
Spend the most time where the time is going to pay off. Your company doesn’t need you, they can find someone else to do your job. Make the sacrifice to be with your family rather than overcommitting to a company that is going to move on without you when you, either, quit or retire.
"...the payment for working overtime at home is far more rewarding...[than] working 60-80 hours a week...[at your job.]"
Am I Alone?
Truly thinking about it and writing though the process, I am only alone if I choose to be. I may feel alone but the process to get to a place where my focus isn't on me but on others is a hard path to forge. Take your time to focus on other people that need you and you will never be alone.