How to Cope When Parents Bury a Child
The loss of a child is devastating! There is so much emotion and confusion that comes out when a parent has this experience. I am coming into this article with two points of view. The loss of one of my children and seeing the loss of a child of a neighbor. We will discuss some ways to grieve and find comfort, and also some ideas on how to find a path to get through the pain. If you are struggling with the loss of a loved one or you are trying to support a neighbor or friend who has recently found themselves tossed about by an unexpected or expected loss, read on. We hope you find some helpful information in this post.
The loss of a child
Dealing with the loss of a child is not easy and my experience is not the same as everyone else's. Some children die in the womb or infancy, some in their 60's with elderly parents. There is even the concept of religion and how people view death and the life that people go to after this one. Either way and in an case, death is a tragedy to deal with.
In my case, and I will keep this brief, my wife and I lost a child during pregnancy. We called her Millie when my wife gave birth to her stillborn. She died in the womb at 20 weeks pregnant. Looking at the perspective of all the ways people have died as children to parents, this is relatively easy to manage. There was no foul play or abuse, it was just a natural process that cause some severe pain in our lives.
This post does not pretend to understand the heartache and pain that comes to each person affected by the loss of a loved one but know that there are people in this world who want to help. There are people that love you and want to help you overcome tragedy.
Supporting a neighbor who has lost a child
Recently, a neighbor of mine experienced the death of a child. We just learned about it in the last few days but the impact is felt throughout the neighborhood. I had never met my neighbors son but I care about my neighbor and I can support him in a way that will allow him to grieve easier.
In the case of my neighbor, his son died from a drug overdose. This is even more heart wrenching to see the power addiction has over people. If you need help overcoming a drug addiction or you know someone who does, here is the National Help Line information to visit their website or the toll free number is 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
As my neighbor and I talked, his biggest concern/regret was that he didn't get to say goodbye. The son and family had quarreled recently about his lifestyle choices and they had not been speaking. It is interesting that what may seem like a reason to fight or have a disagreement in this life may seem justified until a tragedy happens.
My neighbor and I talked some more and that was really all he needed. Someone to care. After we finished our conversation, we hugged and went back to my house. About ten minutes later, he came over and thanked me for coming to talk to him, saying, "that really means a lot to [him]." Something that was simple enough for me, just being a neighbor was a huge deal to him. People who experience loss just need someone to show they care enough to help them, even if that is as simple as offering condolences.
Ways to grieve and find comfort
There is a phycological pattern for grief, as I remember from college. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. As we experience this pattern, open your mind to a new understanding about death.
Some people rekindle a passion for the Lord, Jesus Christ, some reason that is the end of a life and there is no more, some believe that the person now lives on as something else. Whatever you belief is, dive into how that belief can get you through the grief.
My wife and I found comfort in our Savior, Jesus Christ. His life and ministry, his dying on the cross and being resurrected gave us great hope for the future with our precious daughter.
Ways to grieve and find comfort with your neighbor
To help a neighbor overcome this tragedy, express you love for them. Send them some flowers. If possible, attend the funeral. Give them a hug if you feel comfortable and let them know that you are able to help them if they need someone to talk to, if they need to get away or just simply to help them do normal things to help them get past the grief.
helping other people, in my case, was a small simple gesture of, "I care about you and I am sorry for your loss." That simple gesture gave some slight comfort to a great neighbor. Now I feel like I am a better friend and he sees me as one.
A path through the pain
If you are experiencing the loss of a loved one, I am sorry for your loss. We do not offer professional counseling and we are not doctors but we care. The path through the pain is the stages of grief and each individual has to navigate that path on their own terms.
Denial - it is a tragedy in your life. That cannot change. The circumstance and situation is over, the past cannot be changed.
Anger - there really is no one to get angry at if the situation is not murder. if there is an instance of murder, placing the anger on the assailant is only a temporary fulfillment. Do not stay angry.
Bargaining - it is easy to reason that you would do anything to get your loved one back and this may temporarily dull the pain. It does not eliminate it and no amount of bargaining is going to change the outcome after the situation is passed.
Depression - it is normal to let the tragedy turn emotion into a sad thoughts. This stage is a great place to let the friends come in and spend some time with you. Getting away from yourself just may be the best way to help get to the last stage.
Acceptance - once you accept that the situation is passed and that your life will continue on, you can close the chapter of grief and keep the cherished memories and good times of those that have passed.
The five stages of grief are the worlds way to explain how we deal with grief. In my own experience, a path with Christ by my side has helped me navigate the sad thoughts and gotten to a place of acceptance. If you need a friend, dwell on Christ and what he stood for.
If you are not into religion, I get it. You can still make it through the stages of grief. Just rely on a support network of trusted people who you love and that love you. Don't give up!
Final thoughts and conclusion
We discussed the unexpectedness of tragedy and that there are millions of people affected. From small children to grown adults with kids of their own. Where ever you are in that process, go through the stages of grief at your own pace. Rely on your support network to help you navigate the pain.
Once you have made it through this process, you will better be able to help those that you love get through this process as well. Don't give up!