Lesson 4 - Other’s Interests can Become Your Interest

combining our passions with others’ interests

It is really easy to get involved in what we want to do and to get others to join us if they are interested in it too. How often do we consider what others want to do and how we can support them in their interests?

We will discuss this in depth and how we can mesh their interests with ours.

Participating is more than participating

These are the three ways found to participate in others ways than just participating (doing the activity):

Participating by following up

Participation doesn’t have to be doing something together, it can be following up on the activity or thing with sincere interest in the outcome. Think of the last time you went with someone you love to do something. A dance recital, a game of their sport, a ride to school, dropping them off at a friend's house or the airport, or a number of other things. 

The participating comes in at the end of their activity. Going back to asking questions, as you engage what they did, they are building trust with you as they tell you about it. We call this participation by interest. The activity is only done by one person but both parties have an interest in the outcome. 

Participate by being present

This doesn’t have to be just following up and asking questions after they participate. This could also include being present while they are participating. One of the most recent activities that I have enjoyed is watching my daughter play softball. This has been the first sport that she has really enjoyed. I have enjoyed watching her play because of the dedication that she shows to it. 

To complement this, my daughter drew the picture in her own style. This allowed her to express her take on what she was seeing (She drew this when she was age 7, I was age 36). See the picture in Figure 1B. I can't find the painting right now but when I do, I will put it on here.

This type of participation helps both of us connect with each other. She expresses her talent, I express mine and we now have a bond over something very simple. i.e. A conversation starting point. For more ideas on activities to do with kids, see our Activities Page.

There are a lot of ways to prepare. Our activities page give some ideas on ways that you can prepare to show your interest in what your kids like. Now let's move onto why we need to participate.

Participate to Connect

In a child’s life, they connect with people that show interest in them. There was a study done some time ago that related the child's relationship with their parents to feeding, or how they get food. This study concluded that the act of parents preparing and participating in feeding times with their children turned into a positive relationship with food and their parents. It also noted increased love and respect for parents from their children. 

Put this in perspective with lunch. This meal is the one that often gets missed by parents, especially of parents of school age children. Often, students who do not have support at home by way of meals find support elsewhere by eating food. A staple in participating in your child's life is to feed them. I would add, feed them healthy food and teach them healthy eating habits.

This covers two aspects of your children's life. Participating with them in their interests and developing a relationship with them in their interests. A third aspect covers helping them to trust you as their parent by supporting them with food, activities and participation.

What Is Passion Jumping?

We have talked about participating with our children and showing interest in their passions. Let’s talk about passion jumping.

If you have made it this far, I want to stress that I am not suggesting that you give up on the things you love to do. I am suggesting that you expand your passions to include things that the people you love are interested in participating in. 

One of my passions is wood working. I am terrible at it but it is something that get’s me into my own space and I can spend hours doing it. However, that doesn’t help my son’s passion for playing catch, which he could do for hours. So when I get home from work, what does he ask me to do, “Dad, will you play catch with me?” So many times my initial thought is, not right now. However, the words that come out are, “Yep.” Day after day we play catch. Guess who is the best catcher on his baseball team. He is. 

The perspective that is being looked at here is that a lot of times, as parents, we have to do things that interest others, which leaves little time for parents to feel like they get a break. That is part of being a parent, no time alone and always an interruption. It begs the questions, "Why Is It Important For Parents To Have Self Care?" The end result is children feeling valued and respected and, ultimately, developing a relationship of trust with their parents. Like the study referenced earlier, as parents show up and feed their children's interest, children will in turn show an interest in their parents. 

A personal Story about Interest and Food

This may seem a little strange to bring up but I want to share a personal story. When I was growing up, money was tight and there wasn't a lot of food to go around. As an Elementary age student, I didn't get breakfast and lunch was provided by the school at no cost to our family because of our household income. The situation was the same through Middle School, and Junior and Senior High School. I didn't know any different. I thought everyone ate school lunch, now looking back some people had meals packed in brown paper bags or some other form of lunch box, although my lack of food didn't dawn on me until much later. 

While spending time with a group of friends and their wives, the wives were talking about what they had for breakfast during high school. They were mentioning things like Toaster Strudel's, Eggs and Sausage, Ego Waffles, even pancakes and cold cereal. They never asked me what I had for breakfast during High School and I was glad. I felt a little left out. Up until that time, and I was mid 30's at this point, it had never occurred to me that there were people in this world who had breakfast before going to school or had someone make them breakfast in my era or even cared enough to pack them a lunch. I have to preface that because my wife has made a lot of food for our kids before they go to school and to take along with them for lunch. Even I make a lot of breakfasts on many weekends throughout the year and I regularly cook dinner.

I was having this conversation with my mother-in-law and she said how sad it was that I went hungry as a child. She started coming up with all these ideas on how to get kids food and to help the country stop childhood hunger. Very noble causes. Truly, it is sad that kids go hungry. However, during all of those years growing up and not having food and having to rely on a school system to provide food for me during the day, it never occurred to me that I was hungry, or any less hungry than everyone else. That was just how life was. Explaining that to my mother-in-law was eye-opening for her. She had never considered that people don't know they are hungry.

The Personal Story and Where My Interest Went

This is a very long tangent to explain that I had more trust in the school system to give me food than my own mother. In my later years of High School I was working two jobs and paying all of my own bills. I bought a very old truck, paid my own car insurance, put gas in it weekly, bought all of my own food and had some extra to go see a movie on the weekend.

By the time I was 16, I was more independent than some kids graduating college. I had to be, no one was going to do it for me and I knew it. By the time I was a senior in High School, with my income and my mom's income, our household made too much and I didn't get free lunch anymore. Imagine the betrayal you feel when the one institution that supports you with food your entire life now tells you that you can't eat for free anymore. That is a paradigm shift, it becomes very clear that life isn't going to be fair. The outcome of that statement depends on what YOU do with your life. No one is coming to save you, roll up your sleeves and work smarter.

Final Thoughts on Participation

Discussed was the need for participation by a parent in a child’s life. That participation can be sitting on the sidelines, talking about an event or being involved in the activity. Another aspect discussed was the relationship builder food is between parents and children. The hardest part for a lot of parents is that, in most cases, they will have to give up their passion to help children pursue theirs. But, if your passion is your kids, nothing is given up! Keep Building.