The Idea
Teenagers are in a constant pattern of growth. What is cool one week could be the opposite next. Friends will change, hangout spots will change, even their body changes. Specifically their mind. Research done by Harvard suggested that a child's brain is not fully developed until they are age 25.
As parents, we need to help teens recognize what life is like when they move out. To prepare them, we have come up with some important topics for you to discuss with your kids.
Some of these are age dependent. Use discretion in discussing. Keep in mind that if a child is asking you an uncomfortable question, they learned about it somewhere else and are relying on you for the details.
Do they need to know the orgasm spots when they are 12. Absolutely not. They need to know the meaning of a relationship and the implications of having sex.
Public schools teach about the organs and what they are used for as early as fourth grade. That is age 10.
Let’s review some of the areas where we can help kids, and teens, prepare for life on their own.
The Tools
The Resource
Parents Are the Example of Relationship
A young child typically only sees their parents’ relationship. Teenagers see their friends' parents’ relationships. They are going to compare and contrast what others have and what they have.
Evaluate what your relationship is with your spouse or partner. Is your relationship one that you want your teen bragging about to their friends or wishing they had different parents?
Develop Healthy Relationships Early
One of the best ways to have a strong relationship with your kids is to develop it when they are young kids. This means spending time with children one on one or at random times during the day.
Connect with them through communication. Here are some ideas of activities to get them in a conversation. Knowing what to ask might also be helpful, you can find that here.
The better majority of research that I have done has pointed to dads needing a better relationship with their daughters. Here are our ideas for that. Don’t think you are alone. You can talk to other dads, specifically, who may have had a similar situation and to see what has worked for them.
We also help step through some of these issues as well. We are not doctors, just people with opinions. Feel free to send us an email.
Set Expectations
Standards have to be set in YOUR house. I know I was told that when I was a kid. I wanted to have a lot of freedom but my Mom specifically told us that she was in charge. My step dad only acted when he was told to intervene. This often ended in arguments, bruises and broken relationships, even today the fights are the memories.
What is the expectation? Whatever the rules are in the house you are maintaining, send the memo’s out in a calm voice and be respectful. Keep in mind that rules are generated with love. Sometimes, rules need to be communicated in a drawn out explanation or firmly. Hold a family council and go through some of them. Keep in mind the small attention span of children. At work, everyone will listen to your thoughts. At home, they have to be persuaded. A final note, when ideas and standards are forced onto others, they tend to push back.
Ask Questions
Don't be afraid to ask questions and get to the root of problems. One of the best techniques I have learned to get answers is to ask an, “If you…, then you.” question.
I will give an example. “If you didn’t have homework then you could do your chores?”
The idea of it is to get to the root of why a person is not performing as they are expected or underperforming. This can also work to help another individual overcome a challenge or problem. It helps others to walk through their thoughts with these questions and see the avenue to get to the next step.
Let Them Get Hurt
(We had so much to say about this, we made a separate post)
Kids need pain to learn how pleasant life is without it. If you leave a kid alone long enough, they are bound to end up hurt. Toddlers are the worst for self inflicting pain. I remember when my oldest daughter ate some mushrooms she had found in the front yard, luckily they were non poisonous. Or when roughhousing gets a little too rough. #stiches
Pain can come in physical forms like a bumped knee or broken bone. Or the more challenging forms of a lost relationship. Even more damaging, it could even be the devastation when parents get divorced (I am not recommending getting divorced but I experienced my parents divorce and I didn’t like it).
All of the pain and hurt that comes from these is overcomable. They need to experience the pain to overcome it though. To quote Remember the Titans, “Let them play, let the boys play.”
Feed Your Kids
Food attracts teenagers. I was the President of a local Youth Group for a religious organization. We planned some awesome activities, however, I very quickly learned that teens do not stick around if food is not involved.
I got inquisitive one day and I asked one of the youth if they had eaten dinner before they came as they complained about being hungry. They assured me they had.
Even though they didn’t need food, food was going to keep them from complaining. They didn’t stick around long for that activity and I learned a lesson. If you plan an activity with no food, teenagers are in a bad mood.
My mom and dad split when I was very young and dad didn’t pay child support, there wasn’t much to eat at home. I found food in other places. As I did, I relied less on my house for security. I found that I could “survive” without relying on my mom. In a way that is good, but in another sense, this is disturbing.
Still being a young parent, I am not ready for my kids to move onto the next phase of life, and they shouldn’t have to try to survive because basic necessities aren’t being met at home.
Keep the bellies full, teach them the topics above and hope for the best!!