Lesson 3 - Be Interested by Being Interested
how we can show interest in others
There is nothing more helpful to others than showing interest in their lives. The simplest way to say it is to be interested by being interested in others. Being interested can be simple things like; asking questions about them or getting to know them in more than a superficial way. It could also be participating with them in activities. Participating naturally leads to conversation and conversations build relationships. Being interested could also be surprising them with treats or just stopping in for quick check up. We will discuss all of these things to better understand how we can be interested, genuinely, in others.
The art of asking questions
Questions come in all different forms. Some are rude and offensive. Others get people thinking about new topics or different points of view. There are some that break ice. While some questions cannot be answered.
“How are you doing?” probably the most asked questions in our society today. This question has become a greeting. How many times do we actually need a response or want to hear what the answer is? (A question to get you thinking.)
Here are some different ways we can greet people that would warrant a non-response or just a greeting. “Nice to see you.” “You look busy,” said with a smile. “Good day,” with a tip of the hat.
Of course, learning to be interested in others can take some time. If you are interested in someone else, there are plenty of questions that surround getting to know them. Try, “Do you have a minute?” Or, “Do you need some help?” One of my favorites, “How’s it?” If you are from Hawaii, this is a common greeting question but if you are a mainlander, it is an attention getter.
Asking questions is simple but the follow up is critical. If you really want a response, ask a question as you stop and look at the other person. Genuine smiles are also very nice to see. Be ready with a follow up questions or to plan another meet up.
If the intent is to build a relationship for business, keep it professional and on topic, at first. If the intent is to make a friend, get a little sarcastic and lighthearted. People love a good joke.
My son told me a joke the other day, "Why did the closet cross the road?" I said, "I don't know." He replied, "Because it was in a monster truck!" I thought it was funny, maybe you know a better one that could get someone laughing.
What Questions are Not
Be warned, not everyone wants to talk or have someone they might not know ask them questions.
Another point, just because you are talking to someone doesn’t mean you are committed to a relationship. Conversations should build an acquaintance before anything else.
Questions are actions
Questions can also lead to action. “Will you help me with [insert help needed]?” “Do you have some time to talk?” “Will you go out with me?” All of these questions are a yes/no but there are difficult questions too.
“What is the best option for my future career?” Not blogging at this point... “How many ways are there to skin a cat?” “What are the short term and long term effects of a alluvial fan on an ecosystem?”
Questions like these lead to either getting some varying opinions or seeking answers and asking more questions that could take years of research to finalize. Be prepared to work for an answer rather they instantly find out.
Participate with others
We will do a deep dive into this topic in our next post but for now, the point of participating with others is to build a common theme between people. A conversation starting point. Remember that the conversation can vary from that starting point but a common activity between two parties is often the start to the conversation.
To illustrate this point. I just received a text from an old college friend today that said, “I’m looking to get some alumni together. Would you guys be good to meet?”
The conversation started where we left off, at college graduation. I have talked to some of those individuals to varying degrees in many capacities since graduation but the starting point when no conversation has happened for some time goes back to the first meeting, in this case, college.
In our next post we will talk about ways to participate to retain relationships. For now, we will move to the next topic in this post.
The Drop Off Effect
Too many times, it has been easy to make a friend or meet new people by just baking a treat and dropping it off at someone's house. We call this the drop off effect. There are three things at work here. Interest, food and acquaintance.
The interest and acquaintance part are integral and the drivers for this section. A genuine interest leads to making the acquaintance of someone new. Research has shown that people trust each other out of obligation. Even if that is how a friendship starts, it has to start somewhere. Here is a reference to some research I found( Why We Trust Strangers | Time ).
It does make sense that people have to have a better tolerance for strangers than people they already know. If they didn’t, no one would meet someone to marry, get a new job or say anything in the movie theatre (that’s one point I didn’t need to make).
Meeting people revolves around having an interest to understand who is around us and a sweet treat gives everyone a reason to meet.
Final Thoughts and Conclusion
Ask a lot of questions but don’t be rude. Participate with people in their interests. Use the drop off effect to meet new people. Try it on that new couple that moved in across the street, they might be the best friends you need right now. The goal for us at betteringdads.com is for people, dads specifically, to keep building relationships with others, especially their kids. Maybe a treat would warm up your kids to a new conversation, start with the cookies!