Lesson 5 - When people know you are interested, the relationship builds
Building relationships over time is the best way to build a relationship and typically, the most valued. While it is true that there will be some people that you need, or you turn out to be someone they need, in their and your life at certain times, this may be the best part of this post. The meaningful, long lasting relationships are the ones that are chased over time. I will explain what I mean.
Common path relationship interests
We often meet people throughout our lives that we need at certain times to get through things. I can name several people throughout different periods in my life that truly impacted me.
My early teen years, Curtis, Nada, Ray, Dave and Mike. My mid teen years, Mark, Fred, Jennifer, Jon and Dave. My 19-21 year old self, Annie, George, Dave, Brenda, Blake, Tommy, Ben, Matt and Darrik. My early 20’s, Julie, Bob, Matt, John, Bryce, Ben and Duke. My late 20’s, Marty, Jon, Jeff, Andy, Dan, Bry, Garrhet and Floyd. My Early 30’s, Tom, Jed and Mike. Today, Brian, David, Tim, Travis and Landry.
All of these people have played a significant role in who I am today. They probably have no idea how much of an impact they have played in my life other than a select few of them who I have expressed my deep gratitude for.
You might be asking, why did you need so many people to get through things? Or what kind of things did you need to get through? You might even be asking, Where is your family that you need so much support? That is not really the point of the post, maybe in another post.
The point being made here is that we all have things that we go through that require us to put down our defenses and allow others to impact our lives in a way that only they can.
How Common Path Relationships Start
These common path relationships develop because of time and place meetings with others. During that duration, two very different people meet and work together on a common path. These common paths can be moving to a new neighborhood and meeting new people there. Perhaps people meet at church and form some kind of common path relationship. Work is another place where people meet and move along a path together.
Common path relationships end eventually. People move neighborhoods, or careers, or churches. We diverge. The common path is split but there is a telling factor if people are going to use each other for their benefits in the future. Friendship evolves from these relationships but for the most part, in 20 years, these relationships will just be stories of people you worked with/lived near/went to church with a long time ago.
Life-Time Relationship Interests
This category is things like your parents and siblings, spouse, children and so on. Some people have a common path relationship with their family but the majority of people will be around their family for a very long time. They will learn and teach together. Grow old together. Have a lot of fun. Fight with each other. They will kiss and make up. And so many other scenarios.
Life-Time Relationships are usually rooted around love and familial ties. Even though families change locations, there is always an effort to get back together or to talk regularly.
Social Relationship Interests
When I was growing up there was this place called the Fraternal Order of Eagles. They supported the community in various ways and, as a Boy Scout we did flag ceremonies for them from time to time. From what I could gather, the group, mostly men, were veterans of foreign wars. They were also social drinkers. For a dues fee, these Frat Brothers socialize.
This is another type of Common Path Relationship but this one is usually rooted around a cause or memory rather than going through something together. The cause brings the people together rather than the circumstance.
I know another person who belongs to a golf club. Monthly dues are paid to be a member and they sit around and talk golf and business most of the day. Ed Mylett said that, “rich men play golf.” He was suggesting that if you wanted to network, start at a place like a golf club where people you can learn from are. Of course this costs money but the idea of socializing with influential people suggests possibilities of economic gain.
Networking Relationship Interests
We wrote another post on using your network to get ahead. This information is more so built around how networking interests can build relationships. It is really easy to say just use your network to get ahead. There is always the question of, when you use your network and someone doesn’t follow through or live up to what they promised, how is the relationship affected?
Think about an opportunity that you have or have received. Using other people's experience with a person to bolster them in the eyes of someone else is what gets us into the next thing. How we perform is what keeps us there. The interest by others starts out from a reputation of someone you know. It turns into what you do with your reputation in your new experience that keeps the references coming. Word of mouth marketing.
How you can surprise people you are interested in
Personal
Now we are here, with surprising people. This is not suggesting a surprise birthday party. It is more so referencing how we can impress people with the opportunities we are given.
The foremost example I can think of is when two people are courting. A guy and a gal want to impress each other. They want to look good in the others eyes so they don't notice their flaws. I suggest getting them all out at once (not a dating expert, I have been married for 13 years and haven't tried the dating scene in todays society. Just giving my thoughts.).
When my wife and I met, I introduced myself while shoveling snow off her car. I was too scared to ask for her number so she offered it and the rest is history.
Business
A long time ago a friend of mine got me an interview with a company I wanted to work for. I sat with the owner and he asked, “why should I hire you?” I said because “I am a hard worker.” I will never forget what he said, “Everyone that comes through this door tells me that.” I hope he never forgets what I told him, “Well, I mean it.”
That simple communication set a precedent for me to work like crazy to impress this guy. He took some risks on me and allowed me to grow in the company and after nearly four years, I was in a completely different place from when I first started. It was a great opportunity and I proved what I was there to prove. I took what I learned and went onto another opportunity but what I learned there was so important. If you make a promise, you better deliver.
How is this measurable? I am making some bold claims. Well, money says a lot. In the nearly four years that I worked there, I doubled my wage. That is a 25% increase each year. One of the best investments is yourself! Learn every step of the way.
Chasing a relationship for interest
Begging Benefits, there are none
There is a difference between using your network to get a job and begging. People can tell when other people are desperate. While this is usually a sad situation, there are mixed emotions on how to help someone who is desperate.
In this topic, there are a couple different ways to go about chasing relationships to attract interest. I have seen both sides. When I was in college I needed an internship. I used my network and got one that really wasn’t a great fit for me or for them. I lasted the semester but quickly moved on to the next opportunity. I needed them and they did not need me. No resentment but it was definitely not mutually beneficial.
Opportunity Begging benefits, could pan out but might not
In a different circumstance, we had the opportunity to sell our house and we were sitting on the equity before we bought our next one. We ended up renting for about a year and half in between due to location and uncertainty on another project. In that time frame we were approached by some friends who needed some start up capital. They were promising 14% returns year over year for 10 years and that would have returned us a bunch of money. It was very tempting.
My wife and I declined and our friends are still friends and they found their funding elsewhere. We used the equity to buy a house as planned. They have a thriving business and we have a house. Sometimes you are chasing and sometimes others are chasing you for interest.
How Stories build relationships
Good Stories
Good stories are stories that have a moral. An experience that can help someone else get through something that they are struggling with. This could be divorce, death of a loved one, loss of a job, or a number of other things.
Good stories can also just be that, a good story to get people laughing. Stories have a powerful effect on societies and have been used in all societies that I can think of.
One specific one that I remember from college was a group of people in South America rainforests that were found to be isolated from civilization. As they were found and brought into society some of their heritage and traditions were learned. They talked about the stars and the rivers and how they used the landscape to support their life by farming and husbandry.
The saddest part of this is that now that they are assimilated to today's civilization, their heritage and traditions will start to disappear. Hopefully someone took notes on all those techniques learned over centuries to help that band of people survive this long.
Bad Stories
Bad stories are also stories that have a moral. There are bad stories and bad ways to tell stories. Bad stories, from what I can tell, help us understand history and how we messed up as a civilization. The civil war, the holocaust, nuclear atrocities, friendly fire, and so many others. The bad stories that I can think of revolve around death. Sad times in our histories as people on a planet.
There is also just bad storytelling, like giving away the punch line before the joke is played out. I am notorious for that! Or maybe that person that tells the same story over and over. Tim Grover recently wrote out a book called Winning. One point he made is that we can win more than once. In saying this he was meaning that just because a win happened 20 years ago doesn’t mean that it is relevant today. What are you winning at right now?
Parables As A Pattern
Jesus taught in parables. We can take a lesson from that and learn to tell a story that has a meaning. This is also an effective way to convey a message or hide a message from the wrong people.
Teaching Lessons to your kids
Teaching lessons is also very important. Parents have this role daily to develop their children and mold them into functioning adults. It doesn’t happen overnight. One professional soccer player said it took 17 years to become an overnight success. We have to constantly teach and work to become something in the future.
No one just wins without trying. Even lottery ticket winners have to buy a ticket first. Although, the money is usually wasted in a very short amount of time. The lottery is not the way to get rich. Winning in small ways day after day is a great way to start. Consistent stock gains of 0.0% to 0.5% day after day amounting to 10% a year. On $10,000 after one year that could grow to $11,000. Imagine if that $100,000 or $1,000,000.
Tell Your Kids The Good Stories
We are still talking about teaching lessons by stories. One story I love to tell my kids is about a car accident I got into a long time ago. Here is the summary:
"FRAILEY TWP. – A Pringle man was cited with reckless driving and other offenses after police say he crashed his car Saturday while traveling approximately 120 mph on Interstate 81 in Schuylkill County.'
'State Police in Frackville said [Andrew Fernlund]...was northbound in a 1993 Infinity J30 around 11:15 p.m. when he lost control while rounding a curve. The car traveled into the median, where it rolled several times. The vehicle then entered the southbound lane of the interstate, where it was struck by a 1995 Chevrolet Beretta driven by Amy Stauffer, 33, of Annville. Fernlund’s car came to rest on its roof after the impact.'
'Neither Fernlund, Stauffer nor a passenger in her car, Andy Hummel, 52, of Annville, were injured, police said. Fernlund was wearing a seat belt, while Stauffer and Hummel were unbelted, police said." Police Blotter | Times Leader
That was a crazy night...Don’t be stupid and drive 120 mph unless you are at a location where it is safe to do so and not illegal.
Meaningful, Long-Lasting Relationships
At the beginning of this post we talked about the best relationships are ones that are built over time. These relationships are usually built on a mutual advantage for both parties. I want to throw another aspect in here that is very important in my life.
Being a Christian, I know that Jesus is my savior and my eternal relationship with him is one of the most important things in my life. Using a pattern of how that relationship is built, we can build other relationships that are meaningful and long-lasting in the same way.
How is a relationship with Jesus built. Daily communication through prayer. Regular reminders of his word through scripture study. Acting in ways that he would act or following his example. Finally, keeping his commandments and treating others with love. Love God and Your neighbor are the two great commandments.
That is really what interest in others boils down to. Respecting them enough to follow through with your commitments and treating them with respect. Is it really that simple? As I write it, it sounds simple but, like everyone, I struggle to be perfect and I often have to repent of my sins and really reflect on how I can do better next time.
Final thoughts on relationships and interest
There have been a lot of things covered in this post. From different relationships that we have with a variety of people to how we use those relationships. Even how those relationships can benefit us. Stories are a great way to build relationships with loved ones and are also a great way to make new friends. Stories can be to teach a lesson, illustrate a point, to make people laugh or to help them get through the hard times. We even talk about Jesus and his two great commandments of loving him and loving our neighbor.
One final item that I want to cover in the conclusion is some Easy Ways to Show Interest through body language.
Here are some simple ways:
1. Use Eye contact
2. Unfold your arms when someone is talking to you
3. Take your hands out of your pockets and keep them out
4.Smile and laugh with them
We also want to note some quick tips to keep building relationships.
1. Stop by sometime
2. Show up
3. Drop off
4. Pick up
5. Ask Follow up Questions
As you work with the people you know and seek to find new people to connect with, do it with love and respect for them. You really never know who you are going to meet that is going to change you for the best person you need to be.